Confession part 2

Its been quite a while since i have penned down anything at all... There are have been too many things happening in my life of late and i have been finding it really hard to find sometime to think abt what to write abt.... Well i don' t wanna call it writer's block.... as one of my friends pointed out here.... i have been travelling in an ego trip ... considering myself to be a big enough writer to have the writer's block... heheh ;-) its kindda a funny how we tend to sometimes over-estimate ourselves and at other times under-estimate ourselves and very very few times know what we exactly are... the next confession here is abt some1 who realised how far from reality he really was... how an event opened the door for him to realising THE TRUTH.. please read and give some valuable comments... thank you...

Michael Lawrence

Confession - Chicken in the Kitchen

Dear Mike,

How are you doing? It was just the other day that i got to read your blog... and you know what i was the 1365th hit on ur blog..... Since i have been a blogger for quite a while now and that i am familiar with the counter application i guess u wud be able to pin-point to my location.... Well you don't have to bother looking into to google analytics for that... I am from bangalore too... hehehe :-) I know that far as you can go with the information of being the 1365th hit....

Mike, to be really honest, your blog is a big pieace of shit.... I dont really know why some shit holes are commenting and praising your blogs and posts.... for all i know of you, i dont think this is the best shit you can produce or for that matter anyone can write about his/her college life... You have been too much on a ego trip ... talking abt some shit that happened to you and all the crap surrounding it... When one of my classmates told me about your blog i thought it would be something worth reading and i spent almost an hour and half to find some kindda worthy stuff in the whole hay stack. And since i could not find anything i tot i will write a mail to you about it...

The last post of yours about the confession is the best post of all... and i know for a matter that it wasn't your creation... and your claim that it was a fiction... I know the name of the guy who wrote to you about it... I know the guy who swore on him when he switched on the light... I also know all the chickens in the kitchen... Becos i was one of them...

Regards,
Chicken in the kitchen

The Truth: Confessions part 1

The Truth: Confessions part 1

Confessions part 1

Dear All,

I am really thankful to all of you who have contributed in their own ways to this blog. Some of them by posting comments, others by sending mails to me, a few others on chat and all others who have been active readers.

Lately I have been suffering from a writer's block and hence was not able to find a good topic or incident to write upon. So i have decided to start with fiction. In this series I plan to make a few confessions which is purely fiction and has no truth in it whatsoever. So please read and enjoy. Thank you.

Michael Lawrence

Confessions of a born Spectator

Dear Michael,

I have been reading your blogs for a while now. I have found it interesting but I don't believe much of what is written in your blog is true. Also, unlike what you have told in your previous posts of people being shades of grey and not black or white you have been painting people in black and white. All the people on the other side... you have painted them black and guys on your side... they have been white. I am an anonymous and would like to remain the same. But I would like to echo a few things that are in my mind which are not in sync with your thinking or how you have been in campus or what you did in the campus.

You might be wondering who I am or why I do not have the balls to write to you without hiding behind a mask. Well, it is just true to how i have been all my life. I was in the hostel the same day you got hit. I saw your bloody nose and swollen lips, I also saw a few others get hit. I was feeling bad for all that happened. I wanted to rescue and be in the middle of the things and get them outta there. I saw the crowd gather outside the room of 'the bearded guy from kayamkulam'. I saw them enter his room and how they pounded on the bearded guy. I saw how they came in huge numbers and over-powered all of you. The bearded guy was my friend too. He was better friend of mine than you were. I was not there when they hit you... But when they started to pound on the bearded guy i wanted to intervene. I did not. The longer i stayed there, the harder it became for me not to intervene. So i walked out the 1st floor and went to the mess. I was shivering... I was scared. I was feeling the pain. I was contemplating hiding in some toilet or get out of the hostel thro' the kitchen door.

In the pretext of getting water from the mess, I walked right into the mess and then slowly opened the kitchen door. I was surprised that the kitchen door was not shut. Even though it was dark I knew exactly where the switches of the lights were. I stumbled across the door and switched on the light. And then I heard someone swearing me from behind. I turned around. I saw a familiar face. It was not the cook, nor was it the help of the cook. It was a face I had seen in the front row of your campaign for elections. It was the same guy who had given a hundred speeches. He was not alone. He was with a few others who were as chicken as me. I know I have been a chicken but today I am happy that I did not poke my nose into someone else's business.

Today, I am working in a software MNC with good reputation and great salary. I am proud that I have been able to help my younger siblings financially for their studies. I am proud that my parents' medical needs can be easily taken care of. I am proud that I have bought myself a car and awesome blaupkunt sound machine.

I am sorry I have been a born spectator all my life and I will continue to be..... But just want to quote you here "And I, Aint no Jesus Christ. Aint no Satan. i am just me. Not black. Not white. Just like any of you, another shade of grey. How grey I really am... well it depends on how you wanna see it..." Please do not judge me.

Thanks and Regards,

The faceless Man....

The Aftermath part2

13th Feb 2003 : 4PM


As the day wore on and so did my peace of mind. Some of our visitors, the genuine ones, tried to keep us in high spirits. One of them, a localite, came to me, pulled me aside and asked me. 'What next?'. 'Excuse me', I thought,'Can anyone be more confused than me at this stage? and you are asking me ...' But i had to put a brave face here. I told him,'let us see how it goes'. He continued, 'Mike, you tell me what we should do. If you want us to hit them again, we are ready for it.' I don't know why it made me feel so good. when he told me that i can choose my fate (and also may be the fates of a few others) I felt so good. Maybe it was just the lack of control i had over my campus life. Maybe it was just that i was being important. Maybe it was just having the powers.


I thought abt it for a moment. For some1 who got scared and got hit for the first time in his life less than 24hrs ago was pondering about another attack. Power can be really addictive!!! But, I gathered myself and told him. 'No..Not now dude!!!' I think deep inside he was happy too that i made that decision.

But in retrospection I think I made the wrong decision. I should have gone ahead and asked himto take it out again. Because it was not just me who was scared. They were scared too. They hit us back because they were scared. It was a matter of seeing who blinks first. Today, six years and 166days later i regret that we blinked first. And today, I know that i had to be a politician not an apologetic one that I turned out to be, but a calculated one. One who could have made use of that 'stout bastard from Mech'. That 'sbfm' who i shared my room with. That 'sbfm' who came to visit me that evening and gave me courage!!! That 'sbfm' who dared to lay his rotten hands on his pals who was with him thro' thick and thin.

I had to be a calculated politician. One who could have understood this sbfm's need for being the hero. Should have made use of him. Should have asked him to hit back for me. All his ego wanted was a lil bit of notice. Being with us he was just another guy. On the other side, he became a celebrity overnight. He was their best cricketer, their best comperer, their mech-rep, their best showman, their JAM judge(hahaha), their goto man. And above all.... the biggest M*ther f*cker in the world.

My Room Part 5

The aftermath

13th Feb 2003 : 7AM

By now i had a few hours for myself. To think and ponder upon what has happened in the last 24hrs. It sent a shiver down my spine thinking abt what happened with the guys frm the other side. I was not too happy that guys we targeted got away. There was regret too... that some innocent souls got hit... the more i thought about it, the more i felt for them... I guess it had a lot to do with the fact that I was getting a bit scared of what these guys might do to other friends of mine... also i was thinking if this was just the beginning of series of clashes... and if i will have to pay more dearly for what has happened....

I was in denial. To everyone who did not know anything about this... I was in complete denial.. I had made a story in my head and repeated it every time some1 asked me what happened... after the 3rd or 4th narration it sounded so real and true that I started believing it too... Its been about early morning the cops had come to visit us. By now almost every single word i was telling sounded so real that every question had a very genuinely sounding answer, and these cops, who are the best at catching a wrong word in a wrong sentence ran out of questions. Wow!!! i am doing good job here... and the names came out flowing outta my mouth.. as was planned!!!

A few more hours passed and a few local politicians have come to meet us. I guess none of them were ever genuinely interested in our cause.. it was just yet another routine things these guys had to do.... 'to keep these young cadres in high spirits...' It hardly helped any of us. In fact it just rubbed more salt to already broken nose and sore and bloody lips... For me it was not politics... it was my right to freedom... my right to do what i want without crossing the line... I dint do it for some bloody publicity... I did it because i dint want to live in fear. i dint want my friends to live in fear... I wanted to scare them who tried to push us... I wanted to send shiver down their spines... and now it is getting politicised... Is this what i set out to do?

But, some my genuine friends told me that these guys were reqd... Without political back-up we wud be a bunch of kids fighting against a political party which could wreck havoc in North Kerala. Then it would not be called a fight... it would be a total annihilation... and i was stuck btw the devil and the deep blue sea!!!

to be contd...

My Room Part 4

13th Feb 2oo3 : 3AM

I was on my way to the district hospital... Not that i was hurt enough to be hospitalised.. But it was planned too.. being hospitalised means it gets published in the newspapers.. and being published in the newspapers meant that it was going to be a case lodged with the cops

I knew why they did to me... I also knew who did it to me... but with the cops everything changed... the situations that lead to the assault on me.. and also the names who lead the assault on me... why the hell would i have to complaint against a looser who was in his 30ies when most of his class-mates are hardly outta their teens... a looser who was good at nothing and wanted to prove to himself and all the ones around that he is some1 by spreading terror on hapless kids... or why shud i complain against another looser who thought that the only way to get noticed with the babes in college was by being with the old looser and start to flex his non-existent muscles? Well the duo did attain their moment of glory... they did get a lotta attention... and i am happy they did... if they dint, i am sure they have never made peace with themselves.

Well we dint want to lodge complaint against these loosers.. their fates are etched in stone... We wanted to make them weak. They were too strong for us. They had policitical parties backing them. And we were a bunch of kids who have not yet exercised our franchisee in the democracy... And there were many in their clan too.. We had to target ones like us. Those ones for whom their Pop's words were the last. We have used the sword first, and now we had to use the pen. A FiR with their names would help. So the old fat looser and the fair thin looser were not in the chargesheet. Their names were replaced by people who were as scared as I was about politics and cops and blood.

My room part 3

My room part 3

Feb 13th 2003 : 2 AM

For some reason or the other the Valentine's week in my college's history have been a very eventful one. No. Not in a good way, where you find love in the air and red roses all around. But you could find red, bloody hostel rooms and college veranda's. And the 3rd valentine's week of the new millenium had my blood on the hostel walls and the floors.
I would be lieing to you if I told you that I did not expect it, just before I went to bed that night. But I have no regrets. I shed my blood for a noble cause. If I were given a chance again I would take it again. But this time it would have been with a better plan to not only shed my blood. But also to make sure the blood I really wanted get spilled. It is only a slight regret for me that the ones who we were supposed to get hit that night managed to escape. But our message went out as we wanted. You mess with us anymore, someone from your clan will pay. And I am sure that this is one of the reasons that we never ever really faced any direct threats. Whoever wanted to mess with us did think twice before they did so. And blood on the floor, well it was spilled for a cause.


My room part 2


Well, all of you might have seen my room in this blog before. I had promised you a new story, next time you visited the place.... and may be many of you might have visited this place a lotta times but not yet find anything exciting about my room. Well if you have been waiting for a new story here is one, and i am sure this won't disappoint you. Cos this is a tell-all tale.

Feb 2003

Well i have been graduated to the 6th sem of my course. Thanx to the fact there are no year-outs in our university, or else I wud still be doing my 1st semester. And more than 2 calendar years in college meant we are one of the senior-most guys in college and almost everything we did and dint do is known to the college authorities and the juniors. Good things are added up wid a lotta masala to sound how kool or how good we are.. and bad things too are added with masala to taste better too...
So a score of 60 odd in M2 in my 1st sem was hailed with applause frm all over the junior community and by the time it reached the ears of 3rd person i was the topper or close to topper in M2 frm my batch.... wow doesnt that sound spicy... a guy who has 17 supplementary papers by the time the 4th sem results are out was the topper in M2 paper from his batch... heheh ;)
And this applied to my seniors too... I used to hear a lotta stories.. some of them true... and most of them exaggerated!!!
And you know if light Grey things are seen as pure white.... hw wud dark grey things be seen? Pitch black!!! well quite close... A mere ragging of a slut who bloody screwed around wid a close aide of mine and then asked him 2 jack-off wud attain the heights of Virgin Mary from day two and I... well poor me!!!

And I, Aint no Jesus Christ. Aint no Satan. i am just me. Not black. Not white. Just like any of you, another shade of grey. How grey I really am... well it depends on how you wanna see it...

My Room to be contd....

World Vision India: Landing Page...

World Vision India: Landing Page...

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The Fear

The other day i was watching the movie 'The Apocalypto'. It was not the first time I have watched it. But the first time I was enjoying the movie so much that I didn't see the message.

The message of how fear can destroy you and how fearlessness can bring you closer to ur goals.
Yes. Dhar subh ko lakta hai. Magar Dhar ke aage jeet hai. No. This not a promo of a soft-drink. This is just your life.

In the movie the protagonist intially tries to run away from facing his fears. He runs fast enough to stay away from it for a while. But finally he is faced with two fears of his on either side and he overcomes one of it(jumping down a huge waterfall to escape from the hands of his chasers)
After he overcomes the lesser of his fears it gives him the confidence to face his greater fear. 'And that is some message'.

Not all of us are blessed with courage of facing our fears. But sometimes life pushes you to the corner that you have to make a choice. A choice between devil and the deep blue sea. A choice btw a rock and a hard place. A choice. That is what you have to take. And if it does not kill you, you will forever be stronger.

Fear is nothing but self-doubt. Fear of failure will take you to failure. Yesterday I was watching a cricket match between India and England. India were the defending champions of the T20 World Cup ( a trophy the won with fearless cricket) and was in danger of elimination. It was a do-or-die match for them. Loose and they are out of the tournament. A pre-tournament favourites they had harldy played any tough matches to be instill any confidence in their doubting minds.

Set a modest target to chase, India was peppered with a lot of short-pitch bowling which was initimidating. I could see the fear in their eyes. And the whole world saw it when the 2nd wicket fell and a novice (Ravindra Jadeja) was send in to bat instead of the in-form batsman (Yuvraj Singh). The novice was to counter short-pitch bowling by blocking instead of Yuvraj. For what if Yuvi might fail during the hostile spell of bowling.

Fear of failure. It failed them. Two years earlier, under the same management, a team of youth who had no fear of failure (since they were never expected to win) lifted the trophy and two years hence it will be the same if they don't counter the fear.

Fear, it does not prevent you from dying. It just prevents you from living!!!

LBS Diaries

All these poems and articles under the LBS diaries have been written sometime between Feb 2001 - March 2004
Who are you? (this probably the most spontaneous writing i have ever made and is my favourite poems of all... read and enjoy)

If you can tell your friend or foe,
By the holy book he reads,
You are smatter than I am,
If you can heal his wound,
By your wounds by words of apology,
Your words can heal but mine can't!!!
If you feed his hunger,
By a penny,
Your pennies are gold but mine ain't,
You are smater than me,
Your words can heal but mine can't,
Your pennies are gold but mine ain't
But I am God, Who are you???

30 Mins of Darkness

I have always been a very optimistic person, but thats not the only reason why I believe we all need to thank our state govt for the special gift it has bestowed upon us - Load shedding. 30 Mins of Darkness - Uninterrupted.

No do not be mislead. This aint your average boring article on politics. This is about darkness, about light, about black, about white and everything in between.

In the hustles and tussles of life we tend to overlook so many beautiful things. Small - but the basic things, the mother nature has gifted us. Like all things which come free, these beautiful and often unique things takes a back seat in our lives. Thats where load shedding comes to our rescue. During this half an hour we forget(at least try to) the busy life. The fasten your seat belts kinda rides. We take a break from the run to reach the finish line.

It is now, that we have to step outside our concrete jungles and smell the earth, caress the breeze and dance in the moonlight. It is now, that we have re-group ourselves, re-arrange our lives, re-think our deeds, re-charge our batteries and push on. It is that half an hour for introspections, for apologies, for kind words and all those small things in life that you never used to care for. It is now that you can be re-born as a child.

If you haven't yet enjoyed this divine 30 mins, it is high time that you do it. It is time you stop running. It is time you stop chasing. It is time that you sit back and relax.

Don't for God's sake - light up a candle and continue on your assignments. Don't for God's sake buy yourself an inverter and go on watching your stupid routine of mega serials.

It is high time you see light in the dark. Light that blinds the darkness. To re-vision our lives. To vision our walk (or should i say the CHASE) thus far. It is all in black and white. Well 30 mins of darkness or 30 mins of light... I am to re-think on the title.

I Love you, I will kill you...

Never, Never....
I swear i'll never let you know.
Never, wanna let myself knwthat I'm cheating on you..
Words can't justify what am doing..
And neither can reason.
But, swear I'm burning inside.
Cos i am cheating on you.
Always, always....
I am stuck upon myself
To find a reason to whyI'm letting you down.
I'm letting my soul part.
Do I wanna let you know
Or kill my conscience now,
To believe I am doing no wrong!!!
And now I'm finding a way to how,
find myself in peace.
To sleep once again.
I'm gonna part my half.
I'll part you cos i love.
So tht i am cheating you no more.
I Love you... I'll Kill you....


Self-Destruction : Dedicated to my inspiration Love


I taste the forbidden fruit,
Ya! it tastes good, it tastes true.
Taste I now - the fruit - the guilt.
Guilt - the fruit of the heart- the daemon
Followed my heart - followed the daemon.
Swore I 'Follow not again... follow the daemon'
Bring thee yet another fruit,
Think i again... tempting me again.
Resist I can't, just once more I take.
Follow now - my last suit.
Head i listen to, heart that speaks.
Head speaks sense, heart spells death.
Death, I am ready to taste,
But part I not my heart's - the daemon's will.
Taste I my death, taste i my fall.
Take I can't, take i no more
Retrace my path, re-write my fate.
Had i one last chance.
But I am left with no more!!!


LBS diaries to be contd.....

What s Wrong???

This is actually a topic oft discussed and most people would have a either thought about it or might have already have an answer to the question. I wanna know 'what's wrong?'. But as I always try to do with my thoughts and writings I am trying to see the question from a different angle... We always seem to think in Black and White, in Zeroes and Ones. We tend to believe if something is right there need to be something wrong as well. I am not somehow convinced that this is the right way of thinking when we are trying to make conclusions on varying issues.... Issues from 'is the fan on or off' to issues which has helluva a lot of dependencies.. like is it right to offer Mr. X a job???So I guess it is very wrong to assume that things can be wrong if it aint rt!!! Well am I making some kinda contradiction here???

Accursed

Fall into a lap॥
Death, I knw will never Depart
Smiles all around..I'm alone crying..
Curse upon me- Here i'm in this world so dark;
I crawled and walked - away into my distant dream।
Never wanted, never cared।
I aint gonna stay any longer!!!
Here I'm now with a smile on my face।
Oh! this cursed world.
Agony! It brings them.
For I am smiling.

My room

This was my room(circled in red) during a good part my engineering days. A place where I learned a lotta things... and place where i get nostalgic abt. i love to see the foto of that building... but i am scard to nter the place... scared cos i have a feeling that it wont recognise me.. and that tot is really scary...
some memories i guess are better left untouched and viewed frm a distance and this for sure is one of them...
i have more things to tell u abt my college and my life in and around it.. but i guess i am not in the best writing mood to jot more stuff abt it right now... come back to view this place again...i will have a new story to tell u...

The Walk

its been a long time now...
i no more hear the words i heard b4
and no more can i cry out wid any sort of conviction
was it that i was blinded den
or that my lips are tied by the threads of truth..
insecure i grow by the minute
am i supposed 2 be here now...
or shud i be walkin away frm the solitude?
i always wanted u 2 luv me..
but i aint no more sure..
cos it will make it more difficult.
and i wanna walk..
please lemme go.!!!

...and the guilt embraced

guilt had me conquered. for all the things wrong and right..

cos never cud i differ the black frm the white.

may be it aint my prob... but how cud i believe that it aint???

let me be....

'confused' is the word that suits me best.
not sure if thats all that fits me.
i am no more on the path that u want me.
and further frm where i want me to be.
lost in the transition of a boy to man.
i am yet a boy wid an alter ego.
push me hard and harder 2 the floor.
just wanna knw how low i can get frm now.
lost in the world of tangling web
I am confused..

The Land Mine

the Land Mine

The sky was murky.
It seems like that something is gonna give.
I'm sure now even mother earth is conspiring against us.
Don't go! Don't do it!
I can hear those words so loud.
Inside me or is it outside, I aint sure.
Oh no!!! I have seen this somewhere before.
Felt all of this sometime ago.
I swear this aint a Déjà vu.

The chopper is up and the winds are heavy.
The gushing trees and the cursing nature.
Oh God, save me for I am gonna sin.
Am I this powerless – am I so weak.
Can't not I do what I wanna do?
Oh God please gimme some command – Or please let this chopper sink.
Another five minutes and I am there – to those brothers across the border.
I am not scared to die but I am so much more to kill.

The wind is blowing so hard and we are struggling to land.
This is my one last chance – I'll jump out and run.
'Guys get ready and roll' – and I heard the captain scream.
And ran I did – as fast as I could.
But luck had it that I'll – but only as far as the cliff.
Oh no… am I ready for this???
Yes sure I'm – ya I am now ready to die.
Thank you God that you heard my prayers – and I never had to kill.

My truth part2

My truth part 2


Luck has departed me now,
But that aint all true, cos I was never the lucky one.
Now all caged up in an asylum,
Those words make an ironic sense.

Pull me under and even more closer to hell.
You might think I hate it.
My screams are no more screams of agony,
They are of moans of my enlightened soul.

I love thee and so I tell you,
Please believe me this is true.
You are in a fake world and this you would rue,
If you don’t listen – Listen to me right now!!!


Built on lies and built on theories,
And things have been assumed.
Trust me my love there are all flawed.
come to me, come right now.

i will show ur dreams,
i will show u the truth!!!

My Truth part 1

MY TRUTH Part 1


I don’t rhyme words no more,
Don’t believe in dreams no longer.
Dark rooms are where I wanna be,
And darker rums my best allies.
Affection – give it or take it – makes no sense.
Hate, Anger, Misery – rhymes well with every breath I take.



A year has passed and things have changed.
For better or worse it is your say now.
Detached from my body I wonder along,
Move farther and farther from your world.
Music and sweets I love – With an ash, a needle or a leaf.
Oh they give me exotic pleasure!!!


Flying away from this world here,
I am ever so close to the stairs of heaven.
Hate, anger and misery are now replaced,
By love peace and ecstasy,
Don’t care any more if you hate me or if I love thee!!!
Cos the truth aint any closer to you – or is it???